I would like to take a moment to announce that I have an addiction, and in an effort to shift the blame from myself to a trendy illness save my lucrative gigs and endorsements the things I hold most dear, I will be entering rehab to deal with what’s behind the fun stuff I have gotten away with until now my transgressions. I realize now that there are other people in the world, not just me, my getting caught behavior has hurt the people closest to me, namely, me. Ouch. You have no freaking idea.
I can only say that I am a horndog human, and humans make mistakes like cheating on their wives with tattooed Nazi freaks who can’t keep their mouths shut. With the help of God, who I hope remembers me, because I haven’t said His name in years without “Dammit” afterward, and the support of my family, who I hope buys all this nonsense about me having a disease, like Diabetes or something, I hope to one day soon be able to return to my favorite strip clubs marriage and career as a better, stronger person with a separate cell phone and a better email password who can make things right and never again get caught with a cocktail waitress lose sight of the most important thing in my life: casual sex with freaky women my family.
I ask for your Playboy Cyber Club login information patience and respect for my privacy during this difficult time. I hope that one day I can once again be that guy you thought maybe you heard about once the man you expect me to be, and that I know I was meant to be: a guy who only cheats with people who have as much to lose as he does, like married mothers of three who don’t want to be in tabloids.
Thank you. And God bless my lawyer you.